10 Jan 12
When Cedric Bixler-Zavala comes home from a day in the pretentious, bad-acid (if acid resulted in heightened anal retentiveness) office of Mars Volta, often rumoured to be nothing but a dirty dream of Geddy Lee, he cracks open a Bud. Exhaling as the ice cool beer hits the back of his throat, he reflects upon his days of heroin abuse. Next, he sits down to watch Golden Balls – all goes well until a horrific coincidence occurs – he becomes randomly and spontaneously aroused at the exact time Jasper Carrot appears on stage; he’s about the skulk off in search of a Detectives box set when he remembers that he has one last duty to perform today.
Descending the stairs into the basement, Cedric opens a large, walk-in refrigerator, wherein are stacked hundreds of pre-packaged parcels of dog shit. He scans the rows of boxes, picking out several. He then proceeds to post these to his old At The Drive-In band mates. His work done, he settles back down in his living room, nestled in between conspiracy theorist props, a box of tissues in his left hand, The Detectives season one in the other.
But don’t worry Ceddy, you won’t be running out of excrement anytime soon, At The Drive In are getting back together! I don’t know if you know yet, I mean, from the way you all denied that it would ever happen – saying that either you had no desire to play the songs or that everyone hated one another – I presumed that the Reunion Gods had made it so without telling you bu—-
Guess those shitty Mars Volta albums aren’t selling too well.