19 Oct 11
Forever alone, perpetually single people of the world, cease your correspondence with Dignitas immediately. The time is nigh to put that real doll up on ebay (hose it down first…). Wipe down that webcam and have Chatroulette listed on your ip’s restricted website list and for god’s sake scrub your hardrive of all those photoshopped pictures of yourself and Emma Watson laughing it up in that Adobe aided utopian fantasy of yours. Pulp frontman, radio host and pioneer of Geography teacher chic, Jarvis Cocker is releasing an annotated collection of his lyrics, a book that will surely read as An Idiots Guide To: Awkwardly Getting Off With People You Fancy – Revised Edition. Mother, Brother, Lover, is set for release October 24th, with all sorts of pre-ordering, money spending capabilities going down here. Children of the 90’s will no doubt have had a masterclass already, but for those who’ve let their Cocker studies slip, it doesn’t help to have a revision session…
Think ahead. Got a thing for somebody at the moment? A special person who’s stirs something within your heart, or equally the y-frontal region? Your debilitatingly lovesick intentions would probably have you …I dunno… acting on your emotions, the outcome of which would more often than not see you achieving the relationship status you’ve yearned for. IDIOT. That is disgustingly contrasting of Jarverian etiquette. In this instance patience is a virtue. Ask the object of your affection to meet you on the eve of the nearest millenium, by a local water feature equidistant from both your current homes. Sure by this point they might already be married, who knows they might already have a kid…but…you…I. I’m not sure what point I was making. JARVIS SAID IT NOT ME jeez.
Hide in peoples wardrobes as often as possible.
These two teachings have got me where I am today, romantically, emotionally and relationship…ally. I’m not quite sure what that says about them in terms of guidance, but Pulp are bloody good an’ that.
Safe to say I’ll be majorly disappointed if that line doesn’t make it onto the blurb.